Insomnia

Sometimes it sucks to be me... right now is definitely one of those times.

I have to work at 6:30 tomorrow. This is not usually a problem; I like working the morning shifts.  

The problem lies in the fact that it is 12:33 AM and I cannot sleep.

Why? Because I am a thinker.

Being a THINKER has it's ups and downs.  Generally, I enjoy escaping into my own little world and waxing philosophical about life, love the pursuit of happiness.  My head is a haven from the rest of the world.  My overactive imagination is actually one of my favorite qualities about myself. Sometimes, though, it comes and bites me in the ass! 

Thinking leads to more thinking.  One little iota of an idea grows and grows into this entire metropolis of things that could happen or should have happened or did happen.  YIKES!! 

Tonight's train of thought has led me to a list.  A list I think I will share with you.  Here, my dear readers, is a list of things I want in life: (beware of sub-categories)

1- a career

-that has a future

-that has benefits

-that I enjoy doing everyday

-(I tried and tried to come up with examples of actual careers I wanted to have, and I honestly DO NOT KNOW... and this is a terrible feeling). 

2- a significant other 

-who has a career they enjoy

- who wants a future (preferably with me)

-who also wants the same things on this list

3- to Travel 

-and to have the means to do it right

-a significant other to join me would me a huge bonus

-to live in another country for at least three months 

4- to one day own land

-5+ acres

-a veggie garden

-custom-design my home on that land

5- to one day own my own business

-a cafe/bar

-a sustainable and eco-friendly policy

-local and home-grown veggies! 

6- to learn how to be completely self-sufficient

-financially

-emotionally

-environmentally (ie: solar panels and water wheels)

7- to hone my creative side

-write a book

-learn how to solder silver

-become a better photographer 

There are not a lot of things on this list. I feel fairly confident I can accomplish over 75% in my lifetime and at least one in the next two years. (I'll keep you posted)

So now, at 1AM, I am going to hope that my list making has calmed my brain enough so that I might catch 40 winks- or whatever the phrase is.   

My "feminist agenda"

I went out to dinner with Sarah the other night. It was a very nice dinner, we had a beer and split a bison burger at the pub. After dinner, her friend Patrick came to join us.  Now, I do not get along with Pat's roommate Davis very well, because of my so-called "feminist agenda." And apparently I do not get along wit Pat for the same reasons.  Pat started in on the fact that I'm single.  He kept telling me I needed to lighten up, stop being so uptight about dating, just go out with someone.  He basically told me to stop being so "feminist" and "girl-up" my actions so that I "fit" what a "man" was looking for. (Did I mention Pat was 22??)  

If you haven't gathered a few things about me from reading/knowing me, I am these things:

1- a woman

2- a woman who believes in gender equality

3- a woman who does not think that she should "dumb herself down" so that a man is not intimidated. 

4- an independent woman

Now, it has taken A LONG TIME and a LOT of heart break, misery, pain and confusion to come to this conclusion:

I can wait on the perfect person.

I have had to learn how to be alone these past few months and, you know what, it's awesome! I can take care of my own needs and not have to worry about anyone else (except Elu).  If I'm not happy about something, I can fix it. I  am the sole person responsible for my happiness.  

I will not change who I am so that I can be liked, or even loved.  I will sit here patiently and wait until I find that person who likes and eventually loves me for who I am not in spite of who I am.  In the mean time I will be the token single girl at all the parties, I will go home alone (to my dog) and I may be a tad grumpy from time to time, but who isn't!?!? 

Now, on to some other points I would like to make on my "feminist agenda"

1- I think it is HORRIBLE to hear men call other men "bitch" or "vagina" when inferring the other man is a wimp. By calling a man a vagina as an insult, they are implying that women are lesser, weaker, worthy of insult.  I will call a man on this EVERY TIME!

2- Men are not "in charge" of "their women." In fact I do not like the idea that when dating someone, you become "their woman." Women are NOT PROPERTY. 

3- When men say they are intimidated by certain women (like myself) it is either a- a bull shit excuse for not making a move or b- a red flag saying that he wants someone he can control and would rather not have to deal with the challenge of "taming the shrew"

Okay, I'll get off my soap box now.  I just wanted to share some things that have been grating at my nerves. I feel better now, thanks for listening!!! 

By the way: dictionary.com says

fem⋅i⋅nism

  [fem-uh-niz-uhm]–noun

1.	the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

2.	(sometimes initial capital letter) an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.

3.	feminine character. Doesn't sound like a bad thing to me, does it to you?