I don't know how I've got my entire Adult life without ever hearing this song...

Cabin Fever

I have figured out what it is... this thing that won't go away in my head.  This feeling of grumpiness and depression, sleeping all the time, crying without warning.  It's totally CABIN FEVER!  I haven't seen the sun in days, it's cold and everyone is leaving town for the off season.  

The Internet is my only salvation.  I'm actually glad I'll be working a lot.  At least I'll be out of the house. I just NEED to see grass! I NEED Vitamin D, I NEED to go on a walk without having to wear layers of clothes.  I want to feel the wind on my face without feeling like it's about to freeze off! I want to go to these places:

 

Instead I'm knee deep in snow here in Winter Wonderland!!!

That is why right now, I am vowing to save up my money so at this time next year I can go to Mexico.  Anyone want to save money for Mexico with me??? 

On a lighter note, I'm going snowboarding today.  It's the last week the mountain is open and I figured, hey, why not!! But after today I'm going to find a really neat-o spot in the shed to put my board and I'm hanging it up until next winter! I'm going to get my bathing suits out and spray on some self tanner and hang out in my living room listening to Jimmy Buffet while sippin' Mojitos (my Daddy would be so proud). 

Friends

friends are really hard to come by.  I sat down and did an inventory of my friends out here.  Sarah and Evan, Raci and Theo,Steve and Sarah and Lola.  Now that seems like a good amount of friends, right.  Well if you will pay closer attention: six of those friends are coupled off.  So whenever we do go out all together, I'm the seventh wheel.  Lola, I love her to death, rarely goes out... so she's my sit around and watch television buddy... which everyone needs!

All this is a new phenomenon to me.  I've been stable in the same spot up until now.  I have had friends and family galore. So much I was getting sick of them being around all the time (no offense guys... this is a metaphor).  But my point is, I've never had a lack of people to spend time with.  If I felt like I needed to get out of the house, I had a list of people I could call, and if all else failed, I knew that if I went to Bailey's (I'm not a big solo bar patron, but this was totally different)  I would run into at least someone I liked to hang out with.  

It's hard being in a (relatively) new place and making friends.  It's especially hard making girlfriends in a town where there are very few women.  And it appears, all the women have boyfriends.  Bottom line is, it's hard to meet people when you're already grown.  I'm not looking for a best friend, I have one of those 1800 miles away, I just want someone to hang out with and see a movie with and occasionally go out on the town with.  This girl can only be a homebody for so long before she starts to go insane. 

All that being said, I'm so ready fro SUMMER!!!  I can take the dog out on long hikes and not worry about getting cold or snowed in.  I can go camping and climbing again! Hell, I can go tubing on the creek from my house into "downtown" Jackson! Fishing and hot springs and FUN FUN FUN!!! 

Okay, I'm off to work now. Have a good one! 

Transient ...

... Never a work I was too good at grasping. I've always been a little jealous of people who are able to pick up and leave at a moments notice. I wish I could be more transient, less domestic, more free spirited. 

I am free spirited, don't get me wrong, I do what I want within reason.  But I can't leave a job without freaking out about what I'm going to do next.  I have never worked a job for less than six months.  I am not wishy-washy for the most part and I am extremely dependable.  I don't take vacations often and i turn down fun things because I have to work.  I work the early shift on New Years Day, the day after St. Patrick's Day and my birthday.  I work. I show up on time, I stay late, in fact yesterday was my first day off in twelve days.  

My point, originally was to discuss all the transient people in Jackson.  Those folks who roll into town and get a job suitable to accommodate their skiing (or fishing, hiking etc) and they work to live.  I just realized that I totally live to work.  Raci, my new friend and co-worker and her boyfriend just got here and now they are leaving again.  It's making me lonely.  It seems the only people I meet are just passing through.  I make friends to lose them again in a few months.  Wish brings up the subject of dating.  How the hell is someone supposed to date in a town where no on stays still? 

I guess I'm a person who needs roots- dammit.  I never thought I was that type of person.  But I really like the town! I like the vibe it has and the millions of things it has to offer.  I just wish I could make friends who are planning on sticking around for a little while.  So, do I pick up again and move to a city where more people put down roots? Do I move back home where I already have roots? Or do I stay here and put down new roots of my own and hope that I encounter people looking to do the same? 

For now, I'm fine with the loneliness, it hasn't killed me yet.  For now, I'm fine with transient friendships.  Elu and I are putting down roots here in Wilson for at least six months- hopefully in that time things will have revealed themselves to me. In the mean time, I'll be biding my time in the snow. 

I'm okay...

I'm back in Jackon.

I'm okay.

Just going through some stuff. I'll be back soon.

Driving... the modern meditation

(this was written several days ago... I was just able to get around the internet where I can publish it)

I came to Birmingham on March 6th. The day after my birthday. I arrived at 8:30 pm after an all-day adventue of flying. Luckily, this time, I was able to fly out of Jackson Hole Airport. On Thursday, March 5th, 2009 William Reynolds Ireland, Sr left his body, and this earth in seek of the heavenly and divine.

I've been in a whirlwind of family and friends of my grandfather. I have been proper and eloquent to those involved, I have worn heels for three days. I am exhausted. I haven't wrapped my mind around the whole thing yet. There was some time of preparation, where I pretty much knew it was coming. When I got the phone call on Thursday night, I already had my plane ticket to leave on Friday- I had been moving into my house and not had a day off to do it. I managed to get a little reflection time in on the plane- but for the most part the anticipation of being home and being with family that I just KNEW I was going to burst into tears when I got there. I squeezed out a tear or two as I peeked out of the plane window into the clouds. Then I landed. I literally, hit the ground running. Not a tear. I have been surrounded by people I love. I felt great. We laughed and giggled, told jokes, told ancedotes of old. Everyone is leaving tomorrow. Most left today, things are about to calm down. I am fortunate enough to get to stick around.

I can't say that life is "getting back to normal," like one would normally feel after a major time-consuming event in our lives. . Things aren't ever "back to normal." After the death of a loved one, nothing is ever the same again. No matter how far away you are from someone... when they aren't there anymore, well, it's just not normal. But I am looking forward to some reflection time. And I'm at home to do it. I made a break for it this evening, to go spend some time with a non-family member that means a lot to me. We did nothing, but watch some sitcoms on television and hung out and talked... it was very nice. Then I started home. It's late, so there were very few cars out and about. Plus it's a Monday night. My route home is one of my favorite drives in the country. Even though it was dark, I could see grass and trees along the road the whole way. There's one stretch of road that is reminiscent to a canopy- the trees are so grand and close to the road that they reach up high, to hive five their buddies on the other side. I have been conditioned to watch out for wildlife on the roads; I am a very cautious driver. There's something therapeutic about driving. When you Meditate, you are supposed to concentrate on your breathing to the point that you can't think of anything else, forcing your mind to clear itself. For me driving does the same thing. By concentrating on keeping my speed at 55 miles an hour, keeping my car in between the lines and listening to music. My brain is forced to to chill out. There's so many things to keep track of in there! And sometimes it just goes into overdrive, because memories get recalled and shoved into the conciousness. I get caught on a runaway train of thought, and have no idea how I have manged to THINK of so many things, in the matter of 5 minutes.

Aside: I often have a very hard time blogging because of these things. I know that my stream of consciousness style of thinking often rubs off into my blogging- because I'm generally just digitally thinking then I blog. SO I TRY really hard to not write in stream of consciousness- becuase I think it might be too confusing for the reader. I am actually typing this in word (styaing where this is no internet) I will save the blurb, copy and bast it onto my web site, no doubt edit it for spelling, and then I'll sit down and rearrange the paragraphs making the jumbled information from my head, appear to be coherent thoughts for you to read.

Anyway, tonight was a night where I noticed how memorizing driving can be. I actually stop thinking. I concentrate on nothing but driving, and in turn, clear my head. It is possible to do this with other people in the car, but it is a more advanced form of driving meditation, that I have not entirely reached- I will let you know when i become a driving Yogi.