Monday, July 21, 2008

I read somewhere… how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong… but to feel strong.

that's a quote from Alexander Suptertramp (Christopher McCandless) from the book/movie into the Wild.

I think it's quite fitting right now.

I am not going to lie. I'm scared to death about the move- TERRIFIED

What if I don't make friends, what if I can't get a job, what if (worst of all) I fail?!?!

I guess it's a really good thing that I get off on adrenaline... 'cause the more scared I get and the more butterflies that appear in my belly, the more pumped up I get.

Once I remember getting my nose bent out of shape that I was having a really bad day and no one bothered to ask me what was wrong. When I said something to my friend about no one noticing that I might need a shoulder, she commented "I had no idea, you seem totally put together," at that point I broke down crying, "I am NOT put together, I'm a mess!"

"well, you had us all fooled," she responded.

SO, my question is, by hiding my not-so-happy feelings from the world am I being genuine? or am I being strong. If I believe that I am strong, does that make me strong? If I believe that I can do anything, does that mean that I really can?

aside: just got a call about my house, so maybe the universe is on my side...

back to existential thought:

Can I do this? I really think I can! I really think that I am strong enough to do this: to leave my "comfort zone" and venture out on my own, scary as it may be to be far away from the people that have always been there to back me up (i know they still will be, just not physically there) I KNOW in my heart, that I'm going to be okay. And when I return to Birmingham one day, I will be able to stand on my own two feet and be my own person.

I feel strong, so I must actually be strong...

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